Finding Peace and Acceptance in a War Zone
I’m going to share the one thing that immediately stopped me from being controlled by the narcissist. I am describing this a few years after the event. And the surprising thing is I didn’t do this to stop the control of this person over me, this was an unintended consequence. It’s only in hindsight I can see how it happened.
The thing is I needed to feel better. I had hit ground zero and my only choice was to give in to being emotionally, psychologically, and even physically destroyed or I do something different. The only thing was I didn’t know what to do.
I was feeling trapped and powerless.
It truly was my breakdown moment.
You may have heard Einstein’s definition of insanity, ‘You can’t expect to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results’
The truth of this hit deep. Nothing I did or said was going to stop this implosion.
Looking back everything was stacked against me, at the time I knew something was very wrong in the marriage but at this stage, I didn’t realise how wrong. I didn’t know that I was dealing with a sociopath.
I knew nothing about them at all.
In that moment life guided me to focus on me, not him.
And that saved my life. I am looking back as I’m writing this now and my heart goes out to my younger self. She didn’t know how to deal with all of it. She felt completely hopeless and overwhelmed.
She needed some help.
That is when I heard the voice.
In a single moment, I just let go of everything, in my mind and on the inside. I’ve written about this event before and every time I think about it, I am just feeling absolute appreciation that even when she felt broken Sarah was able to hear it.
‘You’re meant to be happy in this lifetime’’
The events that unfolded after this point were incredible, miraculous even. It wasn’t just an idea; the words got through to my core. I realised that all through my life, for reasons I was later to gain full awareness of, I had been programmed for happiness. This was not my true self of me.
When I heard the voice, it was like time had been suspended. It was a standstill moment and in that moment, I just put down the burden, like a heavy bag carried for miles.
I felt visceral relief.
It was a beautiful feeling. The calm, peace and love just felt so deep. Unending. Limitless. I'd never experienced this before.
I didn’t know the full impact but in that moment but afterwards my life was changed forever.
Moving forward just felt different to me I still had to ‘deal’ with life in the death throes of a toxic marriage. I knew it was just a ‘phase’ I was moving through. I knew I could go back to that ‘well’ of peace and calm whenever I needed to which made everything a little bit easier. I decided to go and learn how to meditate properly, so I booked into a local Buddhist Sanctuary for a couple of days.
My transformation continued.
I knew I was changing.
My awareness and consciousness had definitely altered.
I discovered Buddhist meditations and realised that I had been meditating properly from the beginning. I was still fascinated by the process and wanted to learn more and really understand what had happened to me.
What I now realise was that I was getting a sense of who I was really meant to be. It was a knowing that I was connected to life, the universe and everything. Nothing could change that, not even my negative thoughts.
Thoughts, I realised were just thoughts.
They can change like clouds change in the sky. We can notice them. We can observe them. But they are just passing by. Thoughts are not our true self or true identity. We can also change our thoughts for better ones that match the truth of who we really are.
Life changed massively after this moment. In some ways, it was very frightening as the sociopath realised I was ‘different’ and reacted in ever more manipulative and dangerous ways. But for my part, I found enough of a voice that I explained I wanted out of the marriage.
Following that decision, everything I needed to happen, happened. It all seemed to fall into place. The timing and the speed were nothing short of miraculous.
I got a new job
I got a new car
I found a new house to rent.
I began making plans and set a moving-out date.
I was scared but strangely excited and I knew I was doing exactly the right thing. I wasn't sure about all the steps I would need to take in the future but I could trust myself enough to work it all out.
The sociopath had also been making plans and creating god-knows-what-stories, to explain to friends what was happening. He had done much that would have ruined his (very public) reputation if it all got out. Which I guess is what he feared more than anything else. So he covered that eventuality by vilifying me and alienating mutual friends. This is otherwise known as the ‘Smear Campaign’. I am writing this with hindsight. At the time I knew something ‘weird’ was going on behind the scenes, I could sense it. Nevertheless, I kept focused on moving out and creating a better life for myself. At the time, I did not know about the Smear Campaign abuse tactic that narcissists use regularly, but unwittingly I would get to know more about this as time went on.
The reason why the sociopath sensed I was different, is that I had stopped reacting to things he did or said. From the moment of knowing who I really was, my enlightenment moment, I realised that the only person who could affect my thoughts was me. Nobody else had that power over me to control my thoughts or actions. In this regard, I credit my meditation practise for helping me to stop the continual mind chatter and confusion that are symptoms of narcissistic abuse.
I was beginning to take my power back.
This saved my life.
The sociopath was becoming more and more unhinged as the moving-out date grew nearer. The less I reacted to his abuse the more unhinged he became. It got so bad that police intervention was required and that is when this person was removed from my life forever.
The Universe created no contact.
That was the beginning of my new life.
So, now I look back and realise that the meditation practise I had established, helped me to recover some sense of self. It stopped my reactivity and regulated my emotional state. It enabled me to stay grounded in exceptionally difficult times. It helped me to learn how to create a sense of inner peace.
It also helped me to connect with the Universe and the deeper truest parts of who I am.
I still had a lot of work to do ahead of me but I had made a start and building my emotional toolkit. As time went on in my recovery, I began to learn that I had a great deal of trauma to heal and thankfully information about how to do this came to me and I was able to start creating a happier life. Another miracle perhaps?
This, I realised, was my destiny. I didn’t know how to be happy but I decided I would find out!
I hope you find my story inspirational. Maybe some of it resonates with you? I’m reminded that we can’t change what has happened to us but we can change how we think about it. We can learn to deal with our negative thoughts and mind. We can actively heal them. When we learn how to do this we can begin to live our ‘happy ever after’. Your transformation can start as soon as you decide you want to be happy. Then just begin to see how life unfolds. Maybe miracles can show up for you too.