One massive lesson that changed my life quickly after narcissistic abuse
What I am going to tell you in this email will speed up your recovery from relationship trauma and change your life trajectory. I am going to give you the exact steps that got me healed from the infection of narcissism in 6 months. Maybe you can collapse that timeline even further? It’s totally possible. The content in this newsletter may even shock you but it is very counterintuitive. It may be like nothing you have heard before in narcissistic abuse recovery spaces.
During my recovery from narcissistic abuse from a sociopathic spouse of 2 decades I was told ‘these people are messengers, teachers and ’angels in disguise.’
Maybe you have heard the same?
I believe this to be true.
I am going to share with you how we can learn the lessons of the abuse.
If you have found yourself in this situation, my heart goes out to you. Nobody knows the level of suffering other than other victims of narcissistic abuse.This is why it is so, so important to get help and support from people who have not only gone through this experience but have also come out the other side and are living their best lives and attracting great relationships.
Please be discerning on this point.
It’s so tempting to get caught up in talking about your ‘war story’ in online spaces and there are plenty of other victims out there who will also share theirs.
But- and this is a big but - in this case sharing is not caring.
Why?
Re-telling your war story over and over again is not a method of resolving and processing your trauma.
It’s the exact opposite. It’s re-traumatising if the emotional triggers attached to the story are not processed and resolved at a core level.
Venting is not processing.
In this video I am going to talk about the how. The how of how I got free from narcissism. The how of how I learned to create a happier life.
The massive lesson I learned that was turning point in my fast recovery.
There is nothing new or surprising about how sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists in general go about living their lives. It’s almost like they read the same handbook and went to the same college. Your abuse experience has taught you everything you need to know about narcissism. You have completed your basic training. You have graduated already, even if you don’t realise it yet! We are now entering the ‘post graduate’ phase of your recovery.
There are some vital caveats to following through with this massive lesson.
This is vital preparation:
You must be actively healing everyday by using your emotional toolkit that works at processing your emotional triggers
You must devote a day when you are free from distractions of any kind
You ideally should be in ‘no contact’
You will be practising daily mindfulness and meditation to reduce your reactiveness
I looked at the ‘data’ I gained from my experiences and followed the advice above.
So in this way I was able to take a ‘rational’ look at what had happened to me. Up to this point, I had been hyper reactive and triggered. This, I soon learned, is not a good place to take action from and also not a good place to form beliefs about myself.
So, in a relatively emotionally stable place, I was able to take action on the data that I had. In other videos I have mentioned about getting totally radical about my recovery and healing and what follows is the detailed breakdown of ‘how’ I used the ‘data’ to get some forward moving traction out of victimhood and out of the effects of narcissism. It’s the massive lesson.
What I knew for sure was that I never wanted to experience abuse on this level again.
I also knew that I wanted to live a fulfilled life and learn how to be happy.
I didn’t want the abuse to be the final ‘chapter’ of my life.
I realised one thing. It’s surprising and I don’t want to be misunderstood on this point at all. So please stick with it!
The thing I realised when reflecting on how the sociopath lived his life, was that he lived intentionally most of the time. Although this is difficult to do, I want you to at some level observe this point without too much emotional reaction. Think about the things he/she did as an observer rather than a participant
Be surgical in your observations, not emotional. We know that narcissists go about their life with the express intention to gain narcissistic supply. They do things that make them feel good. How they feel good is gained by manipulation, exploitation and sadism, wrapped up in zero empathy and a total absence of love.
I would just like to point out, just in case there are any misunderstandings here , that narcissists are exploitative and destructive of people and relationships. I am not at all suggesting that you are like this. In fact you are the exact opposite of this. You care too much. You are highly empathic and you have the capacity to love. What is really key to understanding this point is the intentionality is what we want to focus in on.
The objective of this whole exercise is the following:
You are going to discover what your core values and beliefs are so that you can set intentions for how you want to live an authentic happier life.
That’s it. It sounds so glib doesn’t it? But it’s the work that is required to take you out of your suffering. You become the hero in your own quest for living a fantastic life!
Consider what you already know to be true
The opposite of being authentic is being fake.
Being fake is the epitome of narcissisism
Being fake is the epitome of people pleasing
So we are thinking in terms of opposites! We want to be authentic
When we were living with abuse, we were living in a highly reactive state and were totally dependent on what the narcissist was saying and doing. After decades of living like this, our own values, wishes and desires, were obliterated over time, if they ever existed at all. For my part, I was raised in a narcissistic family system and was groomed to live like this. To put someone else’s needs and wants before my own. This is living by fake values because of our upbringing and as such is not our fault. None of the abuse you experienced is your fault. This is probably the basis for another newsletter/video (stay tuned)
I used to say that my recovery was like getting my life back. I think differently about this now.
My life had not been my own since childhood. I had been subject to people pleasing and getting validation from outside of myself. From people who were damaged and had dubious core values and motives. It wasn’t my fault but when I created this exercise, I discovered how to celebrate my own identity and know my own core values. Basically getting to know the real me. The authentic me. And rejecting the fake people pleaser me.
This is why this exercise is vital for beginning to create an incredible, authentic life after abuse. Your experience is not the be all and end all of your existence. It’s just a part of the journey of you becoming more of who you were meant to be all along. Of learning how to live authentically. Narcissists will not go anywhere near people who are living authentically. Don’t forget they originally scoped you out because you were a ‘people pleaser.’
Ok this is what you must do, having taken note of everything I have said prior and having prepared yourself emotionally.
Keep a note book handy for this. Make two columns down the page.
Take every memory of abuse (or as many as you can stand to write down). The real stand out ones.
Write some of the basic details in column one. It’s time to be braver than you ever have been in your whole life.
(Demonstrate on video)
Example decide whether it needs to be in this detail? ( save for book or training in a course) just mention a couple of examples
Gaslit to believe that …..
Know my own mind. Believe my own eyes. Trust my own feelings in the moment
Lied to cover up what you did…
I promise to tell myself the truth even when it’s difficult. I trust what I tell myself
Know what is true in my heart. ITrust my feelings. If someone lies, that’s on them. It has nothing to do with me because I value the truth of me. I value living in authenticity. The truth is important to me.
The vicious things you said to me…
I understand that when people say mean things to anyone, they are describing themselves. I am not going to be available for anyone who dumps their own dysfunction on me. I show compassion to myself and others.
Then work through the list, you can keep adding to it if other thoughts occur to you later. This exercise helps you to open your mind to go beyond the abuse experience and decide what is important for you. Your list is unique to you. It is not like anyone else’s list. Reading down the second column will allow you to clarify and solidify your beliefs about you and your core values. These are the ‘inoculations’ against the disease of narcissism. They are also your old blindspots. It’s ok. You didn’t know better at the time but right now you are fixing this.
This is an emotionally tough exercise and some people never complete it. But give yourself some credit for doing this work and standing up for and proclaiming your values and being open to growth and expansion.
The narcissist is truly a teacher and messenger. Without them we wouldn’t have been able to focus on ourselves like this at all. It’s a hard lesson for sure.
But isn’t’ it one we have to learn?
Isn’t it a lesson that was way overdue?
This exercise will cause you to focus on the lesson of the abuse. On a case by case basis. It will move you closer and closer to your freedom to become your authentic self. Imagine being able to live a life free from the effects of narcissism? It’s possible.
This exercise gives the vital part to the equation that is missing, if you just focus on the abuses and war stories you will continue to stay stuck in the story and it creates a doom loop of victimisation. That’s how some people never recover from the effects of narcissism. You may know some? I see it a lot in the online space. It’s really sad
What this exercise gives you is so much awareness about your unique vulnerabilities. When you complete the second part of the equation you are taking your power back. You are closing the loop on victimization. You can say to yourself Ok I was a victim but I’m not anymore. I’ve taken my power back!
That’s right. You are becoming empowered.
You are stepping away from the people pleaser you used to be.
You are stepping away from victimhood.
Keep looking and referring back to the second column. And you will see that these values become part of who you really are.
Knowing who you really are is massive cause for celebration.
When you know this deep down to your core you have released yourself from years of unhappiness and living a fake people pleasing life. Maybe for the first time.
When you now take action, on anything, these values will help you to act intentionally with everything you do.
Now do you get it?
An example of this might be.
I’m going to carry a bottle of water with me. When I take this bottle of water with me it is because I am looking after my physical needs and that is one of my core values.
Or
When I choose to walk the stairs instead of using the lift, its because I want to increase my physical fitness
Or
When I choose to say ‘no’ to that thing, it's because I am saying yes to myself and I am deserving of doing what’s right for me and my core values
This massive lesson doesn’t just stop here. The lessons will continue to roll out for you in the future.
Why?
Because you have taken your personal power back and you can apply this learning to everything you do and everything that happens to you in the future.
You have now become open to your personal expansion and growth.
Congratulations on your Graduation!