When leaving the narcissist

I created miracles but it wasn’t all plain sailing

When I left the sociopathic ex, it was sooner than I had been planning, but I nonetheless felt supported in life. I’d made my decision and things just magically lined up for me. A house, a car, a new job, and some cash. They were nothing short of miracles. It's amazing what can happen when you make good decisions that support your well-being. Life just reflects that back to you and events start working in your favour; you could call that miraculous! But it was not all plain sailing and I want to take you through some of what can happen and explain how you can maintain a sense of healing and wellbeing throughout this time.

The immediate fallout had been very unpleasant, mainly due to the police involvement. But even then I was supported by the police, social services and witness care. I felt I’d been looked after. The ex found himself facing criminal charges and a possible jail sentence; his karma was beginning to unfold. As unpleasant as it was, I was determined to keep focused on feeling better and working on all the ways I could start creating a happier life.

The feeling of relief was huge. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I was so appreciative of life and the Universe. I knew that if I kept tapping into that feeling that life would get better. I also understood that over 2 decades an awful lot of negative momentum had built up and it was going to take some work to keep moving forward without becoming overwhelmed with everything.

The perfect storm

Thankfully I had acquired my ‘emotional toolkit’ and I had worked out a framework to keep my healing on track. So I was regularly meditating and also I was using trauma processing modalities that helped me stay on top of my emotional triggers.

What I hadn’t accounted for was the toxic fallout that had been initiated by the ex while I was still in the marriage; this was to continue beyond the point when I had left.

Several behaviours and events challenged my emotional well-being and caused me to focus my healing. In a way it was like the perfect storm.

I call it the shit storm.

Events that threatened to derail my healing and distract me were as follows:

• Feeling grief-stricken at the loss of my ‘dream’ marriage and future. The person I knew, didn’t exist, it was a sham.

• He had got himself a girlfriend within a couple of weeks of the split.

• He had broken no contact, by breaching a restraining order (imposed by the police as part of his bail conditions)

• He was attempting a campaign of parental alienation.

• He was vamping up the Smear Campaign.

• He was playing delay tactics in the divorce.

• All of these things will occur after the breakup with a sociopath.

All of these things will occur after the breakup with a sociopath. This is their playbook. Your shit storm might not look exactly like mine but there will be some similarities. Needless to say all of these things triggered the hell out of me and it was relentless. If I hadn’t got my act together with my toolkit, I really don’t know how I would have ever coped with any of this.

But I did cope. In fact, I did more than cope. All of these events triggered huge fears that at times felt overwhelming, but I just hunkered down and kept working on processing the trauma. Sometimes working through the night on the biggest triggers.

Everything that happened was totally diagnostic of the fact I had married a sociopath. It was text book. So any doubts that I had about making the right decision about leaving were completely and quickly dispelled.

People show you who they are

Some of these issues were easier to manage than others. For example, the Smear Campaign, although horrendous and very triggering, I was able to heal to the level of accepting this truth.

‘What people think about me is none of my business’

You could call it radical acceptance.

Once I had ‘got’ this I was able to reduce my triggers about it. I also understood that people who knew me and genuinely cared about me would see through it all. I withdrew from anyone who had any contact with the ex and blocked and deleted a large number of ‘associates’.

Synchronisticly, I bumped into a few of my old acquaintances, who expressed support. It didn’t take long either! So I did get validation from others in the end, but I wasn’t seeking it.

I felt a lot of grief for the loss of the marriage I thought I had. Again, I used my healing toolkit and made quick work of coming to terms with that. I followed a specific process I devised to get a fast resolution of this. I know many people who still suffer a sense of deep loss and grief in this situation and feel they can’t move on because of it.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

The Sociopath’s Playbook

No contact was tough because I realised I was dealing with an ‘addiction’ to this person. But I understood this at the outset. I worked on this with my toolkit and found I was getting better and better at managing this. Just a point to note, that although there was physical no-contact imposed with the restraining order, I was still very much attached emotionally to this person. I worked on that in the same way I had worked on a prior cigarette addiction many years ago.

The new source of supply the GF was quite tough. Again, he was just showing what kind of a person he really was. I was very triggered but I vowed to work on these triggers and get to a place where I felt nothing about it. This occurred in a short time scale and without seeking validation I again synchronisticly came by information that he in fact had also been scamming this woman too.

The delay tactics and divorce was something I did feel very triggered about as well. I managed to keep up with the healing on this but it meant I had to heal on repeat for a significant amount of time. Looking back it was still a relatively short timescale, it was all resolved within a year of leaving.

There was also a crown court hearing relating to his criminal behaviour. I prepared for this resolutely and I showed up and felt at peace (weirdly) I was accompanied by a DV advocate who came along to support me. Synchronicities again. Earth Angels do actually exist. Maybe I should create a video/blog about those!

So as you can see it was a total shitstorm. I am thankful for having trauma processing tools on hand to help me navigate all of this.

I kept rebuilding my life one step at a time

I decided I was going to create a new support system. Get out in life and see friends; I still had some that were unaffected by the smear campaign.

Enjoy my freedom to create a new life.

I also reframed how I thought about all the negative stuff I’ve just described. In a way, it’s very counterintuitive. But it fuelled my recovery. I considered the events and triggers to be just like stepping stones to walking out into a better happier life.

Creating Pure Gold

Every time I was triggered by the most appalling and despicable things that the ex had done or was doing, I took every single trigger and healing and saw it as a stepping stone to creating a better life.

The bigger the trigger, the bigger the step out of this old life and the faster I would create an amazing life. I used it as grist to the mill I’ve heard it described as alchemising. That word describes the process exactly, taking the crap and the shitstorm and creating pure gold from it. I was creating a fantastic abuse-free life. I was learning how to be happy!

That’s what kept me focused on my healing and that’s what empowered me to get out of victimhood and a life of abuse. I wanted no part of that anymore.

Was it easy? No.

Did I give up? No.

Did I get my life back on track? Yes!

Was it better than before? Hell Yes!

It didn’t take years. It took me 6 months to get free from the hooks of narcissism and then after that, I was healing to create lovely things in my life and attract lovely people.

You may be told that time is a great healer. 

It is not.  I never agreed with this. I didn't want to waste a single second over this person again.

In the case of sociopathic and narcissistic abuse, time in itself does not heal.

Healing emotional triggers at their root, processing and releasing trauma does heal and heal fast. 

I think I am living proof of that.