I was married to a sociopath for 2 decades and didn’t know it
That’s right, incredible but true.
I am writing 8 years on from those devastating times.
Thankfully, my life transform ed incredibly quickly and I did get my amazing life back. I am so appreciative of that because there was a time when I nearly didn’t make it.
I will also explain the steps that I took to escape and live a happy life free from abuse.This happened to me in a ridiculously short time frame.
Back then, I had no idea about psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists or the labels and ‘handles’ for the abuse strategies they deploy. These are now well known, just go down the narcissistic abuse rabbit hole in online spaces and you will get to know them.
This is something I did, I was on a very tight learning curve.
But knowing about ‘them’ is only a tiny percentage of recovering from the effects of their abuse.
If you would like to join a safe community, where thriving is celebrated and supported then you are most welcome to join my Facebook Group here
What I didn’t realise is that I was literally becoming an expert on the subject.
Here’s my war story
I had been married for 21 years before the marriage violently imploded. I had raised 2 amazing children under incredibly difficult circumstances. With the very little amount of self awareness I had at the time, I would have acknowledged that the relationship between the ex and I was not a happy one but that I would try anything to make it work.
In fact, considering it actually lasted 21 years is a testament to my stoicism. In retrospect, this was highly misguided but I have long since forgiven myself for allowing this situation to continue for so long. It took extreme circumstances to make me ‘give up’ on the marriage. I felt trapped and powerless for most of that time. And desperately unhappy.
When it was tough, it was tough emotionally and psychologically and there was also sexual coercion. I just sat it out and hoped it would improve. I became a shell of a woman and someone who I just didn't recognise. Just waiting for the hoovering and the love bombing to resume. I did not know how to make it better. There were many low points. Even when I did get some structured mental health support, the abuse was not recognised from people who should’ve seen it.
And the cycle of abuse would then run and run.
But it never improved. It continued for years
In fact the psychological and emotional abuse got worse. Much worse. Especially towards the end. The ‘end ‘ of the marriage nearly ended me, by that time it had become physical.
I was isolated from my family and friends. Both my parents had died and I was practically estranged from the rest of my family. Sociopaths make sure that is fete accompli. It occurred quite early on in the marriage.
One of the ‘hallmarks’ of this marriage was that I trusted this person implicitly.
Absolute trust. More than I trusted myself. And that gave them absolute power over me.
The beginning of the end
One day, quite by accident, I came across a marketing leaflet for some kind of ‘adult’ product. It had been inadvertently discarded in the family car glove box. I never did find the actual product. It probably never existed. But the leaflet was enough of a ‘tip off’ and an indicator that something was ‘off’.
At that moment, I knew something was very wrong. And almost in an instant my ‘detective’ skills kicked into overdrive.
I didn’t know I had them.
I was shocked at my ability to enter some kind of ‘dark mode’ and became excellent at gathering other ‘evidence.’
I felt suspicious and outraged at the apparent betrayal.
In this heightened state of vigilance, I was watching my life with a vastly changed overview.
It was scary. My world, such that it was, had now imploded.. And any mistaken semblance of safety was shattered. I was viewing it from the outside in. I was appalled at what I saw.
Looking back I think it was necessary. I needed to get it fast.
I needed to know the full extent of what I was dealing with because without that knowledge, I would have continued the relationship I am quite sure. In some feeble, misguided way, I thought I might still have been able to retrieve the marriage and resume the fantasy I had propped up for 2 decades.
He had executed an excellent ‘long con’ job on me.
Anger and outrage propelled me to action. This was a necessary component of my ultimate transformation, I now understand. It was like lighting the blue touch paper.
I had trusted this person. 100% in everything
I had supported him in his endeavours to become a ‘pillar’ of the community. He was hard working, charismatic and volunteered his time, energy and incredible planning and strategic powers to get things done for the greater good. In various public facing organisations.
But now… This was the beginning of the end.
In the space of less than one year, the marriage imploded and I nearly died, twice.
The reason?
I had caught him out in a secret scam. I knew, beyond doubt, I was dealing with a pathological liar.
I had uncovered what he was.
In his mind, I had to be ‘dealt with’ before anyone else found out the truth of what he was. This was the end of the road. My ‘usefulness’ had run out. I was a danger to outing his fake identity to all and sundry
His cover was well and truly blown with me. Though not yet publicly. He worked strategically to make sure that his public facing fake persona stayed somehow intact.
He implemented a strategic campaign of damage limitation over many months and beyond the divorce.
This story, in short, describes the events that led to me getting my life back and knowing everything there is to know about narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths.
I learned it because I had been living with the effects of this person’s abuse of me for such a long time.
As my GP put it, a ‘catalogue of abuse’ by a sociopath.
I’m telling this story because I want you to know that if this has happened to you, you are not alone.There are many similar stories of women who have been duped like I was. I also want you to find a solution that will help prevent this from ever happening to you again.
I want you to learn how to live a happy life.
This is the ultimate lesson of my experience.
Does this resonate with you?
I will outline the sequence of steps I took to get free of abuse, forever.
The time frame of my recovery was extraordinarily short, by anyone’s standards
Here is what I did.
Strategic Plan For Healing and Getting Your Life Back On Track
Take ownership
The very first thing I had to do was take ownership of the massive black hole I ended up in. Yes,I was a victim of a narcissistic sociopath but I knew that at some level I also had responsibility for getting myself into this mess. It takes two. I do not wish to be misunderstood. I am not victim-blaming me or anyone else. I just didn’t know any better. But after living through the shit storm of the last few months of the marriage, I certainly did get to know better.
Once we know better we do better. Learn to forgive yourself
End the Confusion
My mind was in chaos. The overthinking was making me unwell and highly reactive. It was like living on ultra high alert for weeks. I’d put myself under siege and this had to stop. And it did, just in a single quiet moment of introspection. Feeling exhausted one day, in my mind I let go of the chaos and a spark of realisation just dropped in.
It was a magical moment of deep clarity and knowing.
I knew then, I wasn’t meant to be living a painfully sad and fearful life.
I was meant to be living in love and from love.
I knew then I wanted to be happy more than anything else.
I liked the feeling I got when I did this thing. It felt like a pool of peace and calm. I later discovered this was meditation. I have been meditating ever since. It literally saved my life.
Give up the battle
I dropped wanting to know any more about the sociopath and what he had been up to. I knew what I knew and that was enough. I got out of the narcissistic abuse online rabbit hole as well. It was oozing with victimisation and I didn’t want to embody my victimhood for any longer than was necessary to get the push I needed to get my life back. I had to focus on finding me again. I was not accountable for any of his actions. He was. I was only accountable for my own. I could handle that.
Get a solution
I am in this hole - how am I going to get myself out of it? You can take your power back, owning your agency on this issue.
My role of being a detective now turned away from finding out about sociopaths and psychopaths and toward finding ways of learning how to be happy.
I literally made a study of it. I got the answers I was looking for
I went down another rabbit hole. This time I discovered ways to learn to love myself and my inner child. This resonated strongly with me. I didn’t give up on this mission. I found solutions that were great for me. I looked at methods that were working for others and I learned how to become my own therapist. I’ve been on this path ever since. It was like finding the ‘Holy Grail’ You can do this too. I distilled my knowledge of what works into my 90 day programme, you can get those details here:
Take Action and Become Intentional
Everything I did from this moment had a deliberate intention behind it. I took this lesson from the sociopath himself. Ironically, they live intentionally. They take action toward propping themselves up in vile, cruel and sadistic ways. I could do the same but with compassion and love in my heart. I knew I had that in bucket loads. I promised myself that I would do my absolute best to take actions that would support myself to live a happier life. What intentions can you set for yourself to change the direction of your life? Learn to become intentional
Learn to Trust
This is something I had to build over time. You just have to be open to doing it. Making decisions and taking actions in your own best interest is the way of building self trust back again. You can’t trust everyone but you can start to trust yourself again. It’s a start. And we’ve all got to start somewhere
My Transformation can be Your Transformation too
If I told you my recovery and getting my life back took 6 months, you may or may not believe me. That’s up to you. My life just got better and better in the most miraculous of ways. I am thankful everyday to my younger self making the commitment to get her life back.
What really spurred me on was imagining what life would have been like, if I hadn’t taken these steps. It was a hideous vision. And I may not have made it at all.
I also know that unless you work strategically on yourself in the way I have described, history will continue to repeat itself. You may separate from the sociopath only to then become a victim of another - and a much worse version.
After the abuse experience we did feel powerless and we did feel victimised.
But you can change that.
Just like I did. Take the lessons the experience has given you
Follow my steps and get your freedom to create a life you want to live in.
Create a beautiful future for yourself on purpose.
The rest of your life is waiting for you.
Your future self is waiting for you and excited to meet you and help you create a wonderful life, no matter what you have been through
You deserve to be happy for the rest of your life
Sarah
P.S.Surround yourself with people who are compassionate and safe. Build your support system. Find a safe specialist, knowledgeable community with accountability, like my Facebook Group, where the focus is on healing and thriving, not just merely surviving.